Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.
Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.
Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:
I have a question for you. This is because of your column (Dealing with the fallout from an unfaithful husband) on February 9.
In it, you both said: “easy in theory, much more difficult in practice.” You also said to ask the husband why he had the affair in the first place. Do you really think a man is capable of answering that question honestly?
When I found him out, my husband told me: “I was having a mid-life crisis. I wanted to know if I was still attractive to other women”
How is a wife supposed to deal with an answer like that?
Confused Wife
Dear Confused Wife (CW),
Thank you for your email.
You ask if a man can honestly explain why he had an affair. It is certainly possible, but whether your husband can and will is a very different matter.
You know him well enough to have an informed view of the likelihood and I would surmise that simply by asking the question you are exhibiting your own skepticism.
Merely asking the question serves a purpose however. It helps you establish the extent to which your husband is prepared to engage in the process that takes place in the aftermath of infidelity. It will illustrate how committed and honest he is willing to be as you try to forge a new relationship.
As for his supposed midlife crisis and anxiety about his continuing attractiveness, these are clearly very inadequate justifications of his conduct. If you can have a sensible discussion with him as to why this is so, that is fine. If it proves impossible to make progress on this topic, it might be better to suggest that he accept that your old relationship is now in the past and concentrate on negotiating the basis of a new relationship as per our Feb 9 column (see link above).
While there are obvious merits to finding the way forward together, if friction or a lack of engagement prevent genuine progress, then consider therapy for you both (or just for yourself, since obviously a man who doesn’t care will not make positive use of his therapy) as a means to bring some objectivity and structure to the process.
Best of luck.
– JAF Baer
Dear CW:
Thank you very much for your letter. It is difficult to answer your question without knowing HOW your husband answered.
How (since we certainly know what he answered you) means the tone of his voice (sneering? triumphant? humbly — as if he knew his excuse was not an adequate reason).
What was his posture? (arrogant? matter of fact? humble?)
Most importantly, did he make any promises (not to ever do it again; or he will try but cannot guarantee; or he seems to feel no promises are necessary).
Should his responses seem like he sincerely wants to save your relationship, then he will be open to more questions and will agree to go to therapy with you.
However, if he pretends (or actually believes) he has nothing to apologize to you for, then therapy might still be a good option — especially if you need help in moving on (I know I would have great difficulty in a similar situation).
Therapy might also help you see beyond your broken marriage, and help you realize you can have a happy, fulfilling life even without him, as is illustrated by the following:
The Harvard Adult Study of Human Development is one of the longest-running studies of adult life in the world. Some of the study’s most important findings are:
- strong social support and healthy weight are linked to healthy aging.
- loneliness is as damaging as alcoholism or smoking; and
- the people who were the most satisfied in their relationships (not necessarily marriage) at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80.
The study underscored how close relationships, more than money or fame, are what sustain people throughout their lives. They help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, marital status, IQ, or even genes.
Dr. Waldinger, the current director of this study, added in a popular TED Talk:
“The surprising finding is that our relationships and how happy we are in our relationships (and Dr. Waldinger was specific in saying that one’s most important, life-sustaining relationships need not include marriage) has a powerful influence on our health.…Taking care of your body is important, but tending to your relationships is a form of self-care too.”
In other words, dearest Confused Wife, if your husband is no longer involved in being with you and taking care of you, then do not depend on him for that.
Take care of yourself. You need only the people who respect you and want you to be happy and feel complete. Find your tribe, people who will care for you, celebrate with you when good things happen, and commiserate with you when bad things comes your way.
All the best and here’s hoping your tribe is not that difficult to find.
– MG Holmes
– Rappler.com