MANILA, Philippines — Messy breakups and ugly custody battles are nothing new. However, when they are done in the public eye, the collateral damage is far greater, especially for young children.
At the center of feuds and airing of dirty laundry are young children who are forced to watch these play out in their ugliest form. Witnessing their parents at their worst, with judgmental strangers chiming in from all sides, can be detrimental to the psychological and mental health of children.
The ongoing high-profile dispute between ex-partners Maggie Wilson and Victor Consunji has thrust their young son, Connor, into the public eye. Connor’s godfather, Marc Nelson, expressed concern about the situation in January after Wilson divulged in a social media post that he had testified against her in court in relation to Consunji’s bid for a protection order barring her from communicating with her son.
Nelson said that he was only thinking of the “best interests” of his godson, adding that he was at an age where he was just beginning to build his identity and form relationships with his schoolmates and community.
As netizens feast over every exposé update, many neglect the emotional turmoil children caught in the middle have to bear. This is why it is important to protect them, Aiza Tabayoyong from The Love Institute told Rappler.
Rappler asked parenting and relationship coach Aiza Tabayoyong to weigh in on the issue. Having worked with families for over a decade, Aiza sheds light on how public parental disputes deeply impact a child’s mental and emotional well-being and advises what the adults can do to keep them safe.
‘Traumatizing’ psychological impact on children
Children are always affected by their parents’ lives, Aiza said, but the damage is amplified when private family matters become public.
“There will be versions of stories heard from other sources other than from the ones concerned themselves. This can cause confusion for the child,” Aiza said.
Aside from the confusion about who and what to believe, the emotional strain of being caught in the middle can instantly lead to severe stress and self-doubt.
“When parents don’t get along, it can cause severe stress on children. They may feel torn [about] who to side with between two people the child loves,” Aiza said. Worse, when children lack a trusted adult to confide in, they may develop anxiety, since the security of their future and the world as they know it is threatened.
This fear worsens when they have no one to confide in, seek comfort from, or help them make sense of the situation. A child’s home environment is the foundation for emotional security, so witnessing such a public spat between two trusted individuals can shatter the child’s sense of stability.
“Because their world is shaken, their identities are shaken. Their view of their world, their family, and themselves becomes blurred,” Aiza said. “This strongly affects their self-image and self-worth.”
What are the possible implications? Co-dependent relationships with future partners, toxic ones with friends, and lack of self-respect. “In an attempt to fill this void, some children may seek external validation from friends or romantic partners, which could result in unhealthy relationships,” Aiza said.
“Any relationship that a person with low self-esteem enters can be potentially dysfunctional and problematic. It can make one either very demanding, self-absorbed or overly giving and permissive, or simply lead to [a] collapse of personal boundaries and can lead to heartaches.”
Social media makes things worse
It’s no surprise that social media is the fuel to the fire of parental conflicts.
“When there are family issues, it’s bad enough and confusing enough when relatives and other people in the family meddle or take sides, then say unkind things about the situation,” Aiza said. “This gets worse through social media, as it seems to give permission for more people to take sides and state their unsolicited opinions, even if they have no stake whatsoever on the matter at hand.”
Unlike private issues that can be forgotten in time, public disputes on social media leave a lasting digital footprint. “As everything is on the internet, once opinions and harsh words have been placed out there, it’s recorded somewhere forever,” she said. “Unlike in private conflicts, there’s a chance of forgetting after potential reconciliations or return to civility. With social media, there is far less chance of that.”
This kind of exposure adds another layer to the long-term psychological damage inflicted on the child.
“These kinds of ‘spectacle’ can cause disrespect from the child to one or both parents, some sort of dysfunction in relationships and in life, and may lead to addiction if the child doesn’t get proper support and might just resort to other activities to escape or cope with [the] situation,” Aiza explained.
“It can also lead to depression or severe anxiety or other mental health issues in the child.”
What should and can be done?
For parents who feel the need to bring the matter to light, Aiza advises them to take a step back and show restraint. Most family matters should ideally remain private, and dirty laundry should be “washed” inside the home.
She tells parents: “We, even celebrities, don’t owe the world any explanation. If there is talk, rest assured it won’t last long. There will always be new and more exciting ‘tea’ that will come along and distract them from your family’s ‘drama.’”
However, if it can’t be helped, a more generic statement on respecting the privacy of the family should suffice, Aiza said. And then, more importantly, talk to your children.
“Clarify the situation with them in an age-appropriate manner. Assure children of their lovability despite family conflicts. Listen to their insights, feelings, and opinions on the matter. Help them process their point of view on the situation.”
How else can parents minimize the damage? Find healthier ways to resolve conflict. Instead of engaging in public feuds, parents should learn constructive ways to manage their heightened emotions. As Aiza puts it: Learn to dialogue.
“This involves talking about and focusing on one’s feelings, not faults. Less blame and more reporting on personal experiences that may affect, cause, or trigger personal feelings,” Aiza said. “This is more disarming and allows more vulnerability. [It] involves active listening while empathizing with [the] spouse.” Practice respect, calm and mindful speaking, and humility and forgiveness.
“Do these all ideally privately and out of the public’s eye,” she reminded. It may help to consult a marriage counselor or relationship therapist as well.
When parents are too engrossed in their conflicts (or lack the proper skills or maturity to parent a child), this can be the best time for extended family and other support systems to step in — grandparents, trusted titos, titas, and even close family friends — and ask how the child is feeling.
“Listen to their thoughts and feelings without judgment. Keep the child out of the conflict, especially not even implying that they need to pick sides. Help them differentiate the relationship they have with the parents against the problematic relationship the parents may be having with each other.”
Providing children with healthy coping mechanisms and a safe space to express their emotions is the most important thing to do — in return, they don’t feel the need to bottle their feelings up.
At the end of the day, children should never bear the brunt of their parents’ pride or need to be right. As Aiza reminds us, family is a child’s first and most important source of love and security — so when that foundation weakens, so does their sense of belonging and self-worth.
No public battle is worth the price of a child’s peace. Their well-being should come first. – Rappler.com
Aiza Tabayoyong holds a professional diploma in Family Ministry from the RMT-CeFam at Ateneo de Manila University, specializing in psycho-spiritual counseling. She is also certified in Co-Active Life Coaching, Points of You practices, and as a Strengths Guide for People Acuity. She also serves as the president of the board of trustees of the RMT CAAI (CeFam Alumni Association Inc).